The Beginning... The End... Anew! Read online

  The Beginning . . .

  The End . . .

  Anew!

  Zedart Hodges

  Copyright © 2009 by Zedart Hodges.

  ISBN: Softcover 978-1-4500-0872-3

  Ebook 978-1-4500-0873-0

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

  This book was printed in the United States of America.

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  Contents

  Cover Page

  The Beginning . . . The End . . . Anew!

  Copyright Page

  A real life drama, as lived through my eyes,

  mind, and will.

  I would first like to take the time to acknowledge the person who is the head of my life and that would be my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, for he has blessed me with this gift and allowed me to share it with others. My sincere appreciation and gratitude goes to my wife, Anne Njoroge Hodges for her love and unwavering support. To the entire Hunt Family (Jerry, Elina, Menna, and Allison) you have all helped me tremendously. To my Pastor Gerald Sylver and his family, Minister Byron Diggs, and my entire church congregation. Your prayers have sustained me thus far and I know they will continue to propel me forward, Brother Don Webster, Deacon Ervin Hill and the entire youth minsitry, your passion ignites my soul and inspires me each day. Heartfelt thanks to Mr. Brent Leach, Mr. Robert Moore, Tony Bolin and family and also Joseph R. Kaualiauskas Jr. may God continue to bless each of you and your families.

  This book was put together to let people know that you can live a life without, and after, drugs; and that we need the one that put this vessel together if we are to sail through this life of uncertainty.

  My name is Zedart Hodges, Jr. I was born in 1949 in a little town outside of a little town called Nahunta in Wayne County; about fifty or so miles southeast of Raleigh, N.C. It really was a sharecropper’s town with one store that everybody got food and grain from on credit. I barely remember my father. I was very small when he passed, and all I remember is a lot of people coming over to the house and ma-ma crying all the time. The next thing I remember is moving to town. The name of this town was called Goldsboro. It was hard for country folk moving to a town where we didn’t know anybody. After a while, my sister, she was a lot older than me, she got this job at this cleaner which was good. But then something happened and she didn’t work there anymore so we began to meet people. Some good. Some just wanted what they could get out of you which weren’t much because we didn’t know a whole lot. My mom started to sell whiskey. White whiskey made in the woods. Then we started to learn people. We moved a couple of times. Years passed. We were still selling whiskey. My mom started drinking but still maintaining as head of the house. Time went on. I dropped out of school but I didn’t drop out until high school. Then I went to this job corps. First, in this place called Iron Wood, Michigan. Cold as cold can be. I met people from everywhere. Gang members, wannabe gang members. Now, during this time I thought that I didn’t need anybody. So, o.k. I didn’t like Michigan; too cold. I left, came home, stayed. More time went by and I wanted to make something happen. Got in trouble with the po-po, and during that time job corps was the in thing. If they didn’t want to send you to prison, they sent you to job corps. So I signed up again. This time I went to Pleasanton, California. Man, I thought that was cool again. People from everywhere. So I get out there and that’s where I got introduced to Mary Jane. It was everywhere. Then one weekend me and some more guys went to the city by the bay, and that’s where I got introduced to hippies. Free love and drugs. I am not talking about Mary Jane. I am talking about acid, window pane, and stuff like that. I went to jail; stayed in jail for about two weeks or more. I went to court. The judge told me to be on the next thing smokin’ back to Carolina if I didn’t want to go to prison. So I went back to camp and they took me to the bus station, and I was on my way back home.

  So now I get back in Goldsboro. My mom is a full pledge alkie. My sister was now selling whiskey; trying to put my mom in the insane asylum. So we got to arguing. She put me out ofthe1house. So this guy that I used to go to school with, he had just gotten home from Vietnam. So we hooked up and I asked him, “Hey, let’s go get high.” So he said, “O.k. but I don’t drink or smoke.” So now I am thinking how he ‘gone get high without drinking. So he pulled out this needle and stuff and looked at me, and I didn’t want to back down because I thought I was tough. But that little bit of stuff beat my ass. But it was a good high. The next day no bad breath or nothing like that. So after a few times I noticed when I didn’t have it my appetite was gone. But I didn’t want anything to eat, and when I got it I didn’t want to eat until I got a fix. Back during those days your high lasted for a little while. But you better be near some more.

  I was called “Red” because I was light skinned until the drugs started takin’ its toll. Then it was dirty red because drugs will make your skin lose its naturally clean look. That’s even if you wash regularly. If not, your skin will look dull. My sister gave me the nickname “Pete.” That one stuck. That one is on file with the police. Then there was “1/2 Bread.” I remember one time when I was high this guy asked me, “What do you want to be called? You got so many nicknames.” And I said, “As long as you don’t call me a bunch of dirty names, we’ll be all right.” So he asked me my given name and I told him, and he said: “I’ll stick with Pete.”

  But I remember this one time. I was home after some years of shooting dope. I was home and feeling so bad. This dealer came to my house and I asked him if he was straight, and he said, “Yes.” So I said, “I want a bag. So he sold me a bag, and I was in a hurry to shoot up. So I went into my room, fixed it up, but I forgot to lock the door, and this friend of the family opened the door for whatever reason; I don’t know. And he saw me shooting up, and from that day on he called me “Scatter Brain.” Now that one was painful. Not because he was a friend of the family but because I respected him and looked up to him. Remember, there was no father figure in my life, and he was cool as far as cool goes. And from that day on until he died my name was “Scatter Brain.” And every time he saw me before he passed away that was my name. That’s what he called me growing up. I first started shooting dope with a dropper. Just put a nipple around the barrel with a needle and it’s on. A shoot house has its ups and its downs. The ups are that you get to see a lot of women get loose, and being a teenager sometimes you get to help them get loose. Some people were good as far as good goes in a shoot house. And then there were some bad, and then there were some that you didn’t care if you ever saw again. These are the ones that always want something for nothing. Then there are those that put the “k” in cool. And you see them get played like a West Virginia banjo back in the day. I wasn’t interested in nothing but getting high. And trying to fool somebody before I got fooled myself. Stealing whatever I could sell to get money. In and out of jail during my late twenties, thirties, forties, and early fifties. And each time got longer and longer. And each time I got more and more disappointed with myself. Selling drugs in prison. Loan sharking anything to make a buck. And then I ran up on this three strikes law and realized that no matter what, the third strike was the third time. You could get a long time. That’s when I made up my mind to try and do the right thing for me. I was getting older and my future was starting to look real bad. That’s when you are s
upposed to start seeing that there’s more to life than jail, drugs, and being mad at yourself. And you try to stop the self-destructive way of thinking and start seeing that there’s life beyond that drug, those pills that needle, that glue, or whatever your drug of choice is. And you begin to get high on life and living. And you start seeing that, or begin to see, that it’s all good when you ask for help to come out of that hood mentality.

  I wasn’t real bad back in the day, but then I wasn’t real good either. Always looking for a chance to get over on whoever or whatever. I grew up in one of those little towns where on the weekends white kids would line up on each side of the main street drinking beer or whatever; even on our end of town. And the po-po would patrol, making sure that nothing would happen to them. There was a movie theatre where blacks had to sit up top and whites would sit downstairs. But after throwing cups of pee and rocks and whatever, it was made a “whites only” movie theatre. Then sometimes we would be walking from the store or pool in the summer. You would have your shirt off and here come some white kids in a car with a broken car arrow and hit someone as hard as they could. The car would be going around ten to fifteen miles per hour. Now, I am not prejudice. I was just preconditioned, you know what I mean. There were two fights that I had to fight. One was from my brothers and sisters, my people; because I was fair skinned I had to prove that I was black enough. So I was in the middle. Disliked by whites and disregarded by some blacks.

  I remember with us, my crew, that there used to be seasonal stealing. For a while, times were tight. Nobody had a job. Oh, every now and then someone would work maybe one or two days, but nobody had a steady job and we wanted to work. But anyways, there were gangs stealing. One group would steal this, another would steal something else. I remember it being like that but there was always an opening to steal something, and we didn’t let a chance get by us; me and my crew. I say my crew because a lot of times we would be with different people. If you were good at this or that, whatever, we focused on that at any given time. But everybody stole something. I remember one time this guy told me, “Anything will sell Pete. Nothing won’t.” And from that day on there was no limit. Now, everybody wanted something for less than what it sold for. I remember in times past there was this store outside this little town that had cigarettes in this case. And this case was in the middle of this store so that no matter which end of the cashier a person was on they could see what was going on. This case had just enough room so you could stick your arm or hand and get what you wanted. Anyway, there was an alarm if you reached in and they could see, and we would get on both sides and make this alarm sing a tune, I guess you say, man why didn’t they call the police? Sometimes they did but by the time they got there we would be long gone. We had about three or four stores like that. Can you imagine three or four hard core junkies all stealing your stuff? Looking crazy because drugs will make you look like a madman when you need a fix.

  Hey check this one out. When school was about to open after summer we would go and get orders from people. Remember, I told you everybody wanted something for less than what it cost; especially if they didn’t have to go shopping for it. I remember one time we furnished all the plumbing parts to this guys house, like handles and stuff like that. Man, we were crazy. We used to steal riding lawnmowers. When we did that we really didn’t need to go out for about three or four days. We used to go and steal cases of cigarettes. There were times when back in the day on the block these white men would come through the block and pull a young girl off. She wouldn’t let him take her far, and we knew where she was taking him. They would get there, he would get ready, we were watching, he would drop his pants, we would rob him; give the girl a few bucks so it wouldn’t look bad. We would go to these stores, steal their money bags, but our thang was clothes. Everybody wanted to look good. All this time I was without structure in my life. And now it was the order of the day. Bless you friend.

  As time goes on and I am no longer under the captivating spirit of drugs, I begin to realize that bad spirits are everywhere at all times. Now, I am not saying that I am perfect. I am just saying life and love have afforded me something that very few people can boast about, and how it came about is nothing more that will not be given to anyone that wants to be free. Free from the knowledge of who you are. We weren’t born contrary to God’s word. We were born to perform his word and will. There’s so much that I’ve missed in time past because of unbelief in myself and God. Now, I know that to some people God is far from being thought about, but I am here to tell you that you can’t deny this fact all day. But until you come to the knowledge of who he is and what he can do in your life through his son, there will be no peace. No peace of who you are and no idea of what life is all about without drugs, without stealing, without an understanding of what this life is all about; without something that will alter your train of thought; to wave anything that will enhance your life instead of walking the road of self destruction. Time is short, but life can be yours for the asking only if you submit. Just say I give up. I am tired of waking up every day, or morning, and having to wonder where the next hit will come from, and if by chance you get that hit will you O.D., or what.

  You know a few years ago I was like many of you; didn’t know anything about nothing. But one evening as I was laying in jail on that piece of steel, this young man that I went to school with came into the jail and told me, “Man, I thought that you were dead.” But I said, “No.” “This life I am living now is hard”, and he looked at my arms and said, “I understand.” He could understand because he used to shoot drugs with me, and I said, “Come on man. Tell me how I can leave this behind.” And be said, “We will never forget it, but we can leave it behind or kick it to the curb, I know a friend that is more than a friend. All you have to do is believe that he is. Just get in a lone place where there will only be you and him, and begin to call his name, Jesus. And say, Lord I believe that you are real and I want you, if you hear me, to help me leave this madness of drugs and doing things that are contrary to your will. To help me to live a life that’s free from drugs, stealing, lying, cheating, selfishness, and thinking that it’s all about me. Lord, if you are real, help me in Jesus name. And begin to ask him for forgiveness. Tell him all that you ever did; good or bad. And say, Lord please forgive me. And then just start thanking him, and ask him to help you to study his word. You can’t praise him openly until you’ve met with him secretly.”

  Well, now you begin to start trying to do the right things, and you already know the right things. You just have to remind yourself. Now, this is not an easy road. As soon as you start wanting to do right, everything will go wrong. Now, in my case when I decided to do right, dealers came out of the wood works just trying to give drugs and to help me do the wrong thang. Then you ask them to stay away. I am trying to do the right things now. But how many know that this is not a journey that is to be taken lightly or by yourself? You need to find someone to help you run this race. Jesus will give you strength. You just need to ask him when you feel weak. Now, people will come at you all the time. Situations will come about more often than not. You just have to get, or be determined to do, right by yourself, and ask for help from the right people. The one’s that want to see you do the right thing because they love you and know that there is a fight that you must fight, and know that you need help and will be willing to help; no questions asked. The Lord will send people your way because only he has your best interest at heart. We just need to keep believing in him and trusting him to do his will in our lives. And no matter what happens, just keep trusting in him and his word, and you will begin to see. Brothers and sisters you got to want this way of life more than anything you ever did. Just keep asking for strength to do the right thing and he will help you. Believe me, I know. After years of drug abuse, going to jail, he still saved me. I am not saying that it will be easy but it seems like you can fight better when you know that someone is with you that got your back no matter what. As long is you try or do the right
things to help yourself, I know that you are going to make it because I am living proof that Jesus is real. I know because when I was lying in jail coming down off drugs, asking to see the nurse, wanting something for pain, calling on everybody spiritually, and no one to listen. Not even the jailers. Now, that will help you put things in their right place quick. Anyway, when I began to call on the name of Jesus and let him know that I was sick and tired of being sick, and that I knew that there was something better, I began to start thinking about the times I went to jail for nothing. But sometimes I went for stealing, wanting to get high; and we just started talking about things that happened in time past that didn’t even make sense, but because of drugs and trying to get high I thought the things I was doing made all the sense in the world to me. And as time went on, I started to see how foolish and meaningless my life was. Remember, this is after years of drug abuse. Now, this was when I had tried everything and everybody. I was at my wit’s end, as some people would say, but knew that there was something better. You start thinking about the times that you avoided death, and you start wondering who or what happened that you didn’t O.D., or didn’t get a hot shot from somebody that didn’t want to share their drugs; and sometimes you would get a water shot. I used to run with people that were just that greedy. So you know that somebody other than you was looking out for you, and so you start looking back on your life and realize that those adversaries of darkness only wanted to take you out of the picture.

  I am somewhat amazed that there are, or should I say, that most people have the character or characteristics of someone that still thinks that the world owes them something. But listen to me. We must change our way of thinking, and the only way one can bring about this change is that one start first with his or herself. You can’t change until you start thinking change. Then, and only then, will your life begin to take on new meaning. But we must want this change very much. Now, I am not saying that things will happen for you right away. You know with any new relationship there will be times when doubt will enter in, but we must know that the change we make for ourselves is for our good, and that we want it. Like a new baby, we must depend on our big brothers and sisters to help us overcome the foolish things that we used to do, and say the Bible says that we must begin with the milk of the word because when the change begins we are so gullible that we will go for anything; and that shouldn’t be the case. That’s why we must ask for understanding when we read or hear God’s word. It’s like when we first go to a new place. Everybody knows that you’re new. The new kid on the block. That’s why we must start going to church and attending bible study so we can not only hear the word, but be taught it also. And as you become familiar with his word you will begin to be familiar with his ways, and as a result your life will begin to change for the better. Believe me, it will. Also, in doing this process we must try to avoid wrong people and places, and start hanging with people of like mind or the same interests as us. It’s not a bad thang, trust me. It’s a good life. A clean life. A meaningful life. A Christ like life. And it’s all good, trust me.